Saying Wedding Vows

Have you ever noticed that in many of life’s BIG moments, it usually brings the necessity for public speaking? For example, a toast at a wedding, an acceptance speech, or even presenting a masters thesis. If you’re a person who stutters, these moments can bring up BIG feelings of fear, anxiety and dread.

For me, one of the biggest moments of my life was getting married and saying my wedding vows. Marrying my best friend in front of dear friends and family, I wanted to make sure that it was going to be a positive memory that I would never forget.

Since I was going to be in the spotlight, I wanted to stay calm, composed and confident. It’s only in hindsight, I can see that the process I took leading up to my wedding day, is the reason why it was such a positive speaking experience.

So in this blog post, I’m breaking down that process. I know that different approaches work for different people. My hope is that in sharing this with you, you can use it as a guide through your own BIG speaking moment.

Past speaking experiences

When I got engaged and started planning my wedding, I knew that saying my vows might be a challenge for me. Even in front of friends and family, my stutter could most likely get worse. And it’s for good reason

Just the thought of being on stage, in the spotlight, being looked at by so many people — filled me with dread and anxiety. I realized then…these feelings of stress and panic was exactly the opposite of what I wanted to experience on my wedding day. I didn’t want to feel worried that I was going to stutter and get stuck on a word in front of everybody.

But in order for this not to happen, I knew I needed to do things differently!

I knew I needed to plan and prepare in advance for the type of feelings I wanted to experience on my wedding day. So, just like I was planning for everything else, from designing the cake, ordering the flowers, and picking out a wedding dress, I needed to plan my wedding vows. So when that exact moment came, I was ready to shine under the spotlight!

What's the 'why'

In the past, the only thing my younger self wanted was ‘fluency’. Since then, I’ve learned that ‘fluency’ on it’s own is not a good goal. It’s just too broad and overwhelming. Now, there is nothing wrong with wanting fluency, but it’s better to ask a question that gets to the ‘why’ you want fluency:

Why is fluency important in this specific moment?

‘Why’ we do something is what drives us to achieve our goals. Once that’s established, then all of the other details fall into place.

SMART goals

To achieve anything in life, it takes a focussed goal, a plan to get there and the action to make it happen. One of the most important skills I’ve learned is this…

Properly setting up a goal is what sets you up for success.

One of the most common frameworks of goal setting is what’s called SMART. SMART goals are specific, measurable, attainable, relevant and timely. To understand the SMART framework, let’s go through each one:

S is for Specific

The secret to achieving goals is to be specific and focus on one thing at a time. With all the details of planning a wedding, there was a lot on my plate. In addition to wedding vows, there was also the bride and groom speech. I knew trying to do it all would just overwhelm me and add extra stress. So knowing myself, I only had the capacity to focus on one BIG speaking moment — not two. So I made a choice — to focus on my wedding vows

M is for Measurable

A goal needs to be measurable, so you’ll know when you've been successful at doing it. My measurement of success was going to be the positive feelings I felt as I was saying my wedding vows. Success was going to be the lack of fear, worry and struggle in saying my words. When I feel less tension and anxiety, then I find myself achieving a much higher level of fluency, allowing me to have the positive speaking experience I want.

A is for Attainable

A goal needs to be doable and that you can realistically do it. An attainable goal is one that, with the right effort, resources, and planning, can be successfully accomplished. In my mind, I had an idea of what was realistic for me. In the past, I’d worry that I wouldn’t be able to say what I wanted to say in front of an audience without stuttering. But this time, even though a bit of me still felt unsure, there was another part of me that somehow knew I’d be able to achieve what I set out to do. It comes down to having a bit of faith and believing in yourself

R is for Relevant

A goal needs to have meaning and relate to something important in your life. When a goal is relevant, it is one that is appropriate and meaningful. At this time in my life, getting married and saying my vows was something really important to me. I wanted to be the confident and radiant bride I deserved to be on my wedding day.

T is for Timely

The goal needs to be timely in order for you to want to achieve it. Setting a time frame for a goal makes it more tangible and actionable, preventing it from becoming a vague, open-ended aspiration. I gave myself plenty of time to plan and prepare, about 1 month in advance of the actual day. Any earlier would’ve been too much time to prepare, and anything less wouldn’t have given me enough time I needed to prepare without pressure.

Here are a few strategies that played a pivotal role in helping me to successfully speak in the spotlight

Strategy #1 - Paint the picture

The first step I took was to use the power of visualization. I asked myself, “What did I want to experience that day? I wanted to feel happy on my wedding day. I didn’t want to let stuttering get in the way and I certainly didn’t want to obsess over it. I’ve been to enough big weddings to know that saying my wedding vows in front of 150 people was not what I’ve ever envisioned for myself. Looking around at venues, the guest list kept getting shorter and shorter, as a small and intimate gathering felt more and more like the kind of wedding I wanted to have. Luckily, my husband felt the same way! In the end we had a total of 20 people at our wedding, including us! Our intimate ceremony and dinner was held in the barrel room of an Italian winery. This might not be for everyone, but for us it was perfect!

Strategy #2 - Prepare the words

The second step I took was preparing the words I wanted to say. So, this is not usual, but we had 2 wedding ceremonies:

The first one was a quick civil wedding, the ‘real’ ceremony in front of our immediate family. I asked the officiant for a copy of the script in advance. I read it over and identified any potential stumbling blocks or words I felt would be tricky for me to say when I’m nervous, even when it’s from good excitement! She was very accommodating to the edits and I’m so glad I asked for what I wanted — without no guilt or shame. Knowing exactly what I would be saying in advance, left nothing to chance or any big surprises, and that gave me great comfort

Our second ‘fake’ and fancy wedding ceremony was a week later in front of an intimate gathering. This was the beautiful version of our wedding in the barrel room at the winery. This allowed us to have our dear family friend act as our MC and officiant. Guiding us through our personally written vows, which were funny, short, and sweet, I had nothing to be afraid of. Just the gift of being fully present in the moment.

Strategy #3 - Practice, practice, practice

I made sure I had plenty of time to practice saying my vows. This gave me the confidence that I needed. But at the same time, I didn’t over practice and prepare. In the past, I would obsess and over-prepare, and sometimes this would work against me. This time, I allowed myself to find the right balance between practicing without going overboard.

Strategy #4 - Physical space

When we finally picked our venue, I had a physical point of reference. I would close my eyes and imagine myself in the space of where I was going to be standing, saying my vows. Instead of letting my imagination dwell on potential mistakes, I closed my eyes and envisioned myself confidently speaking in the space where our vows would take place. This allowed me to physically get a feel of the space. This practice allows the brain to recognize the environment and signals that there's nothing to fear. Then when the moment came, it’s like my brain and body recognizes it like “Hey, I’ve been here before, it’s all good…nothing to be scared of”. If possible, this is one of the best strategies you can do.

By taking these steps in advance, I set myself up for success not only for the day of the event, but these other critical moments as well:

The time leading up to the event

Reflecting on past experiences, I would let my obsessive imagination run wild and play over and over in my head; stuttering on a certain word, afraid of a specific sound or sentence. It was this chronic anticipatory anxiety and stress — that was the worst! I would count down how much time I had between now and then — first weeks, then days, then hours. So by the time I got to the actual day or moment, I was an absolute wreck!!! I didn’t want the months and weeks leading up to my wedding day, to be filled with fear, anxiety and dread. So by prepping and planning in advance, it helped tame my fears and put me back in control of the outcome I wanted to experience.

Night before the event

In the past, I would toss and turn all night before I had to give a speech or presentation. This only worked against myself, because when the pivotal moment arrived the next day, I had no energy left. I was so tired and drained from all of the fear and worry, which only increased my odds of a poor performance and not doing well. This was a vicious cycle. But by doing things differently this time, I remained grounded and calm the night before. This was possible because I was prepared which allowed me to be happy and excited — but not stressed — for the next day.

Take action

It takes prepping, planning and taking action to reap the benefits of a positive speaking situation. Of course what worked for me, might not work for you, but I hope these strategies can at least get you on your way. So tailor and make them yours, making choices along the way that work for you.

Remember, life is going to bring you pivotal moments when the spotlight is going to be shining on you. It's normal to feel nervous leading up to these special moments. But by being proactive before the big day and gaining the skills you need, your future self will be thankful that you prepared in advance. Prepare now so that the past doesn’t overshadow the future.

So that when the day comes, you’ll be feeling confident and ready for your BIG moment speaking in the spotlight.

Speak in the Spotlight: Saying wedding vows with confidence

Beneath Your Stutter Podcast

Life’s big moments bring the need for public speaking. On my wedding day, I wanted to be calm and confident saying my vows.